I recently spoke with a woman who reached out to me because she was upset about always feeling left out in social settings. She shared that she feels awkward, quiet, not sure what to do around all the other big personalities at these parties. She doesn’t know how to join conversations that have already started (which are most…), constantly fixated in “what do they think of me…” and “oh, the way I responded to that was weird…not how I meant it…”….
Who has ever thought that?? Yup, I have.
And here’s the problem. When we’re doing that, we’re making it ALL ABOUT US.
So point #1. Start getting MORE curious about other people! …Quit making it all about you. The moment you shift your focus from making yourself feel good, liked, popular, whatever…and to how you can make them feel liked, popular, funny, interesting….. It 1. Takes the pressure off you to BE so cool and 2. It makes them feel good in your presence which will *surprise* usually result in them LIKING you more. One question I like to ask is, “What have you been working on lately?” or “What have you been spending all your time on these past few weeks?”
Tip #2. Stop with the compliments.
The second tip to becoming instantly more likable is to stop it with the compliments. Now this at first it may not make sense… Isn’t giving someone a compliment a good thing? The truth is, researchers found that people tend to give more compliments to people that they dislike or uncomfortable around. Therefore people who is been time with pick up on this, whether consciously or unconsciously, and as a result he makes no more uncomfortable around us. The truth about complements is, although the comments may seem innocent and sweet, they are still judgments and that person begins to recognize that you were constantly judging them, even if in a positive way. What is also tricky is that if you complement someone saying something such as, “you are so patient and sweet all the time“… Now you have set that person up for failure because they could never possibly be sweet all the time and, essentially, what you’re saying that you like about them is the fact that they are always sweet. So, does this mean that when they’re not sweet you wouldn’t like them? Just stop with the compliments and re-direct your attention to getting to know them better.
Tip #3: Be AUTHENTIC. One thing we often feel pressure to do in a group setting is to pretend.
The last step to being more likable may seem obvious but it’s hard to do… It’s being authentic… Being relatable. If we are absolutely exhausted and someone ask us how we are and reply, doing great! The truth is that this kind of response is going to really break trust. People are the best readers of people. If you’re excited about something say so, and if you’re absolutely exhausted, say so. That doesn’t mean you need to get into a long rant about how your boss is a jerk and you want to leave your job. However, being honest about your situation and even taking responsibility for the solution, such as saying “I think I just need to get more sleep” can take a load off you, prevents them from feeling the pressure to solve your problem, and still allows you to speak your truth.
So, there are three places to start: Quit making it about you, quit with the compliments and when in doubt, be honest.